This was going to be a post asking for help, but when I thought about it a little longer, the obvious slapped me...with sandpaper... Allow me to explain.
I've been trying to get Fallout New Vegas to run properly for about a month or so now. POM is set to 1.3.27. This becomes important. I attempted to switch Wine versions, forgetting one very important fact.
FNV was never installed on any of them, and as such, I'd stand a better chance of expecting to get superpowers.
I feel silly now, though I hope this brightens someone's day, and beware the obvious. It will occasionally sneak up on you...